Where Teachers Come
From
There are many theories as to where teachers
come from. Some people think that teachers do not get any older, but when
they have worked at a certain school for so long, they move onto a different
school and start again there. Others believe that teachers just come into
existence from no-where, they do not have mothers, they do not grow older.
This mystery has plagued students for generations. Now, we have found the
answer to this unexplained phenomenon. Teachers are actually aliens. From
different planets, no less.
We know that teachers are aliens because
we found a dead one just lying around. Not being able to resist temptation,
we quickly did a full autopsy on it. the results of the autopsy are available
here.
*Note: please remember, if you find a
teacher just lying around, please check they are dead before performing
an autopsy, they may just have been bored into sleep by a swots mad ramblings.
Different Planets
Each different subject teacher comes from
a different planet, but on a joint venture mission to learn about earth
habits and customs, they have infiltrated our education system to learn
how difficult it will be to take over the world when the youth of today
are grown up, and in power.
They have done this for two reasons, to
learn how much of a defence we will put up against them, and to bore us
to death, so that we will not learn anything, thus be completely brain
dead, then we will not be able to tell a chemical weapon from a potato.
Rumour has it that there is also a third reason that these vile creatures
have got into our educational system, whilst we are having 'lessons', they
are sending out subliminal messages, by putting strange symbols on a high-tech
piece of equipment they call a "black board" or a "pizzara" (Only Spanish
teaching aliens use this term though). More on this later.
 How
Teachers Survive on Earth
To survive on Earth, teachers have had
to adapt a great deal. All teachers have had to take on a human form. To
do this they take any human at random, and copy its external features.
More often than not they copy a well known figure of society, and subtly
change his/her features to accommodate the aliens large limbs and form.
How teachers survive and tolerate the wrath
of students is still an unexplained mystery, we can only assume that they
have a much higher patience and pain level than humans. As a test, we put
a normal looking human in place of a teacher, just to see what happened.
The humans health started deteriorating rapidly as it came into contact
with the students. Within five minutes the human was dead. One explanation
of how teachers can stand the torture is the mysterious revitalizing fluid
which they drink in large quantities. This they call a "cuppa",
and they must drink at least one unit (approximately the volume of a normal
human mug) of this an hour, or the teacher will start to lose it's human
form rapidly, early symptoms of this effect are a red face, furrowed eyebrows,
a short temper, and the ability to throw students out of windows.
Organization of the Teachers
The teachers are organized in a crude
dictatorship hierarchical system, commands originating from head office,
code named "OFSTED" (Office For the Supervision of Terran Extraterrestrial
Drunks) by the teachers, is sent by a technological advancement known
as "postie" to all command outposts (schools). The command is then filtered
down throughout the school, sometimes taking up to three years for the
command to reach the lowest ranking teachers. The ranking order in a command
outpost is:
-
Head - Has special powers in the outpost,
he/she/it gets larger quarters than the other aliens in the outpost, and
their own private sterilized sanitary area (loo).
-
Deputy Head - Has the special power
of being able to shout louder than any of the other teachers, and also
they have their own personal working area (office), which they leave their
space junk wherever they want in.
-
Year Heads - Also have their own working
area, in which they hang their wall coverings (posters) which always denote
ways students can work harder. When we translated these wall coverings,
we found them to be interstellar contact addresses of all the teachers
in the command outpost.
-
Head of Subjects - Don't get their
own office, really they're just teachers with a bit more pay.
-
Teachers - just your everyday normal
psychotic aliens.
-
Librarian - We are undecided as to
wether the librarian is a human or an alien. Cetainly she must posses the
psychic power of knowing whether the library has the *exact* book that
the student has asked for, no matter what it is. The librarian gets her
own phone, and permanent connection to the internet, which must be quite
fun.
-
Caretaker - Should really rank above
the teachers, because this guy gets his own office, and a radio to talk
to the deputy caretaker, instead of having to use the "SDSMS" (Slave Driven
Student Messaging System). Still under the command of the almighty OFSTED
though.
-
Cleaners - the lowest of the low. They
don't get a radio or an office, just a mop (and if they're lucky one of
those wizzy polisher thingies).
The
Staff Room
This does not mean staff in the literal
sense you might think of it. It's actually the room in which they keep
the STAFF, which is a long pole, which the teachers worship, and which
they can use to communicate back to their home planet, without having to
go through OFSTED. The STAFF may also be a power source for the teachers,
along with the cuppas, to help them survive the rest of the day with the
students. Strange chantings have been heard emanating from the staff room,
usually either the teachers singing hymns, like "There's only one F in
OFSTED" (sung to the tune of "over the rainbow"), or the teachers asking
philosophical and intelligent questions about their mission and their existence,
like "Has anyone seen me fags?!". We have yet to discover what "fags" are,
we think they may be part of their human disguise - students are not allowed
in the staff room, so the teachers can take off their disguises in there.
Usually when the teachers enter the staff room, they immediately enter
the "OFSTED slagging off the inspectors" mode, which involves throwing
darts with great accuracy at pictures of the last lot of OFSTED inspectors.
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